Ah, the Confucius Institute. Known through American colleges as,
"Oh boy, we don't gotta work with paying. We don't gotta work at paying to educate people in the Chinese language or culture. We can just let some other people do that,"
has been quietly popular in US universities for years, but has recently begun to receive some criticism, which seems unfortunate, but, you know, I'm an honest and forthright reporter who likes to do my own research, so I signed up. Really, I actually did. This is a real thing I did and not a fake thing that I'm just making up as I'm going along, because, what do you think? The magazine that told nothing but fake news stories? Are you saying that in some way I might be exaggerating purposefully?
Purposely for humorous effect to make fun of things? That's crazy. You're a crazy person who's crazy all the time. Anyway, I totally enrolled in some classes and the Chinese government funded institutes that are teaching Chinese culture and language across the world. I don't think Chinese government has ever been known to be underhanded and like to censor things to make themselves look better. That's simply not true, and I got these fun textbooks and stuff, so I thought I'd share a few choice passages. Okay.
This one's about human rights defenders. They don't call them that in this one. They call them cultural malcontents who are trying to destroy our national identity. When I asked the teacher about it, he simply said that that's crazy. What am I talking about? Everybody loves being in China and anybody who doesn't is a liar and a filthy one at that and they deserved whatever happened to them, and then one student was like ... Also they were creating disturbances and disturbing the social order.
Then there was a thing about I don't know. That seems pretty convincing to me. Then I asked Then another student asked, " What about Meng Han and Zeng Feiyang human rights activists Meng Han and Zeng Feiyang “ ? One of the students asked, and I was like,
"Boy, you seem to know specific a lot about humans rights violations in recent years in China,"
and the student was like, "Stop staring at me. Say something."
I was like,
"What?" I guess I didn't say anything to them, but the teacher was like,
"I don't know who you're talking about. They were just ... I don't know what you were talking about. They were just gathering crowds to disturb public order."
The student, whose name was, I think, Sally, was like, "Wasn't that like the definition of a protest?"
The teacher was like, "I don't even know what you're saying. Why would anybody want to protest?" Then the teacher went on to say, "Well, they used funding from abroad."
Then Sally was like, "Well, were you gonna help to fund them to stay to protest? Was the Chinese government ever gonna help them to stay to protest?"
They were like, "No, why would we do that?"
So, you know, whatever. I don't know, I wasn't totally convinced. I think it's pretty fair. They didn't call him whatevers, like bad words or nothing. They just said that they deserve to be in prison and beaten. They didn't say that part, but he kept hitting his fist into the palm of his hand really hard, so I'm pretty sure that's what that meant.
Also, apropos of nothing, he mentioned that executions were totally down. They were like, "Okay." Then they went on to There was also the section in his book talking about the freedom of expression, and then he said that there hasn't been any problems with freedom of expression. Everybody gets to freely express whatever they damn well feel like, but because China's just so gosh darned wonderful and full of hope and light and everybody God damn loves it so fucking much, that there wasn't any issues. Then he said the thing of Lee Yang's dad ain't really that big of a problem because some people ... Because they totally film shit now, like the police, when they arrest crap.
So, problem solved. No, you can't see it. Stop asking for it. It's only some of the time. Not all of the time. It's only some of the time though. Not all of the time. That's crazy. Why would we want to see the police officers doing everything? You're a crazy person. Stop being so fucking crazy. Crazy. Everybody's flipped down to the loyalty. That's crazy. That's crazy. All the major media outlets in the country pledged absolute loyalty. Anyways, stop fucking asking questions, you big fucking idiot. Look how fucking stupid you are. You're a fucking moron. Never did text message so many curse words.
I like the edginess of it all. It made me feel like I was watching a fun TV show where I was yelled at for not doing things right, but like really yelled at. It also reminded me of browsing internet, which I think everybody can totally do in China, said the next part of the sentence. The cyberspace administration only forces ads to keep user logs for 60 days to reduce the spread of illegal information. Legal information like xi jinping is not a honey loving bear that wears a red shirt and no pants. It's totally okay. You're also free to say that xi jinping, if he was a bear at any type, would be a strong, sexy, confident bear who looks good in slacks and he can even pull off shorts which many men can't. Many men of his age can't.
The only reason they shut down Sohu, Sina, Netease, and Ifeng. in July was because they weren't radical enough. Stop fucking asking questions. What are you, some sort of fucking idiot? Have you never taken improv? Don't you know that you're not really supposed to ask any questions? So, that pretty much convinced me that they're doing pretty good. When the class got to Hong Kong, I thought, "Boy, it'd be fun to learn about Hong Kong," and they say Hong Kong is totally still ... has 100 percent autonomy in everything, and they said, "Don't you worry about the Causeway Bay bookstore," and then I asked, "What's the Causeway Bay bookstore?" The teacher was like, "Nothing, stop thinking about the Causeway bookstore
Lee Poe, who are from Sweden was all disappeared from Thailand because he didn't. He's just on a very long fishing trip, and Lee Poe, who's British, you know, disappeared from totally autonomous country Hong Kong. I said, "I mean, he didn't disappear. I mean, he did because he was kidnapped by ... he didn't disappear. He was, you know, he's on a high stake gambling tour of various nations. Yeah, that's what he's doing right now. I don't even know why you're bringing all this stuff up, man.
I was like, "I didn't bring it up, man." The teacher was like, "Oh, okay. That's cool. Anyways, let's move on to how you say "water" in Mandarin Chinese, which is the only language that will ever be spoken in China. What about racial harmony in China? Let's just say racial harmony is beautiful in China. Everybody gets along and it doesn't matter what those fucking Tibetans said. This started the very interesting chapter on China's relationship with Tibet. It went on to say that Tibet is super fucking happy and that China totally has a rightful claim over Tibet. Also, just because the Tibetans can't, you know, like move or go outside the country or practice religion, it's all a fucking lie by fucking assholes. They're a bunch of fucking morons who are fucking worthless.
Also they're crybabies and snowflakes and cucks and you're a strong alpha male, which then goes on to women's rights, which I guess leads us to the discussion in class we had about women's rights. Sally, once again, asked a question about it. They said it threatens civil society. Boy, Chinese civilization seems to be in constant flux. Seems so ready to just fall over at any second. You know, and then Sally then really pushed and the teacher was getting sick of it, so mad, and he said, "Listen, you don't know what you're talking about. Let me explain to you what women's rights is."
Then he went on to explain how it's great, all the shit that women have been doing, but come on. You don't gotta be so Come on. Don't you think it's gone a little too far? I mean, look at Just recently the court gave a woman who sued two companies for discriminating against her in practices like a whole hell of a lot of money. Like 300 dollars. What's so bad about that? Anyways, back to my book, which then talked about freedom of religion. Since everybody's free to practice any religion they want, except the ... You know, but then again, don't disrupt civil authority because you can't disrupt civil authority. Maybe all those people you had believe shit ain't real.
You know who's really a cool dude? xi jinping What if we said it was less like President or make him more of a king. A God king almost, you could say. God king who's also really powerful, who's strong, sexy bear who could totally crush people like crazy. I also said to the ... They said, "No guys, like pay attention because legitimately LG rights have improved somewhat," which was like, "Good," but also China was like, "Hey, you know what's also really cool? China's totally reviving the Silk Road," and then once again Sally spoke up and it was like, "Well hasn't that been a large failure on many levels and it's actually in massive debt?" The teacher was like, "Shut up, Sally."
I was like, "I guess." Then of course then I was like,
"You know what? I'm gonna contribute to the conversation," and I asked the teacher,
"What about the Tienanmen Square protest?" He was like,
"That's not real. That didn't happen." I was like,
"Really?" He said,
"Yeah. You're crazy, that never happened. I mean, it's crazy." I was like,
"There's a famous picture." The teacher was like,
"Oh, you mean the cool poster for the hit new Chinese film? The adventures of tank and cool, obedient, bag holding guy?"
I was like, "Okay," so all in all, I say there's no way that the Confucian Institute is sponsored by the Chinese government whatsoever. It's a totally cool place, and that they gave me ice cream also at the end of every class and I loved it. Anyways, out.