Okay Melissa You're Doing Fine : Chapter One I'm OK – You're OK
Okay. Start of a new day. I got a lot to do today, but don't worry, you're Melissa Bennis. At one point a bear came up to you and you did nothing, Melissa. You did nothing and you lived, while all those other idiots didn't. Oh God, I made myself sad again. That was really a dark period in my life. I lost some friends. Nope, happy, okay. Okay, you got three things to do today, just remember. First, okay, you've got lunch with your sister. Second, you've got that audition. What's the third thing? Oh no, what's the third thing? Remember to always have a positive attitude about yourself. No, that's more of a life goal, not a today goal. Oh well, I'm sure it's not that important. You'll remember it eventually.
Okay. You're out. You're outside of the house. You're walking. You're experiencing life. You're going to that audition and nothing can distract you. Oh, what's that over there? No, nothing's going to distract you. Melissa, no look, you'll love it. I swear you'll love it Melissa. Listen, I know me, even though that's the most amazing thing ever and it looks super cool, all I want to do is look at it. Oh my God, I'm looking at it. Oh my God, the museum is having a collection of Nordic Axes on display. I do have to go to that audition. It could lead to me winning my first Oscar. Well, let's think about the genius engineering that the Nords accomplished, even though they lived in such harsh times.
Yeah, that's right. I went to the museum. Forget the audition. Forget my dreams. Museum, looking at ancient battle axes, is my new life now. Or yes or I could do both. You are the only person here. Okay Melissa, everything's going fine. It's totally normal that you've walked into this place carrying a giant ax. Or is it? Oh God, what if it's not normal? There's the secretary over there. I'll just go over to her, I'll ask her, "Is it normal to carry a giant ax?" No wait. If it isn't normal, then I'll sound crazy, but if it is normal, I'll sound even crazier. I know, I know what to do. I'll just walk over to her.
"Hey, how's it going?" I said.
"Nothing much," she said.
"Carrying a giant ax."
"Yep." Oh, she didn't respond. Totally a normal thing to do. Oh my God, why are there security guards behind me? Oh my God, this is not a normal thing. Drop the ax, drop the ax. Drop the battle ax. Okay, okay, okay. You're totally cool now; you're totally cool. Everybody's a fan of you.
What are you doing here? What is this building and why are you here? Okay, women that all look vaguely like me. They're all reading scripts. That's right, you're the world's greatest living actor. You're here to audition. Shouldn't be any problem. You've won Two Oscars, and seven Emmy's and a Genie in the future. But you have no attitude about it. People find you very approachable, even though ... Oh my God, why did I bring a giant ax? Think, think. Oh my God, this makes it all harder; people don't often bring giant axes to auditions. In fact, that's a thing I'm pretty sure no one does. Okay, think back, think back. What happened earlier today? You were at that museum, you had read in a magazine about the museum that was showing ancient Nordic axes. The ancient Nordic ax. Looked cool, so you went to it, and then you stole it.
Oh no, I don't even remember any of this. Then to celebrate the successful theft, oh right, yes, I had a little bit to drink. That's why I don't remember it. Melissa, you really do live the bon vivant.
"Oh now," said a voice from behind me. It's talking to me, okay, be calm, be cool, be precise. Precise, big smile. Even bigger.
"Why hello there, how's it going? Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I have reports that an ax-wielding person came in here and were you that person?"
"Me, no, certainly not. Buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it, buy it." Oh no. I said that out loud, damn it.
"What would I have to buy?"
"Happiness, am I right? In this society." I said
He looks young, he'll buy that. I bet he too often thinks about the crass commercialization that the world has fallen into, and how it is both a corrupting influence on our society and the ultimate failure of humanity. The idea is fomenting in his brain.
"You know what, you're right. I didn't even want to be a security guard. I wanted to be a singer."
He's leaving. All right Melissa, you deserve a pleasant image. That's right, you're going to watch that video of a cute goat and a penguin nuzzling. They're probably best friends at this point. Aww.
"We're looking for a Melissa Bennis."
That's you, right on. Okay, big smile, confident walk like you own the place. Okay, three ladies. All have really short gray hair. Wonderful, they all look like casting ladies. They ask you for your name. "Melissa Bennis. I'm self-represented."
"So you have no representation?"
"No, no, no, no. I represent myself. I need no person to speak for me, but me."
"Oh, okay," one of the gray-haired ladies says. I don't know which one because I don't know their names, because looking at their names makes them all more human. That's spookier somehow.
"Which part are you reading for?"
"I will be reading for the greatest part that was ever written for the English language. That of Hamlet, and the dramatic scene where he contemplates life and death, and whether to kill himself or to not."
"This is a commercial for vacuum cleaners," they said.
"I am aware of what the commercial is for, noble casting women, but I believe that vacuum cleaners deserve the most noble and wondrous of spokespeople. Allow me to read for you," I said.
The reading goes great, it always does. I've left them in tears, on the inside. On the outside they look stone-faced and not really willing to look at me or talk to me, and they tell me they'll call me later. Which usually means that I got the part. I've most likely gotten over 700 parts this way. Now the question of the ax.