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I'm like Don Draper if he listened to EDM and was a doctor. That's why chronic lyme disease is real.

I'm like Don Draper if he listened to EDM and was a doctor. That's why chronic lyme disease is real.

I know you know me. You've seen my hip. You've seen my billboards all over town. I'm the one doctor with the two sexy ladies surrounding me, and I have a freaking sweet grin. Or maybe you've seen the ones where I place closer to family neighborhoods, where I'm in a white coat and I'm smiling as I'm helping a kid get better from playing with boo boos. Either or, both parts of my personality, freaking sweet. I have a sweet personality.

Anyway, I'm coming here to talk to you, to talk less about all that stuff and more to talk to you about how to heal yourself. That's right. You're sick. You're sicker than sick. Here's what I bet you got. I bet you get headaches sometimes. I bet you're tired sometimes during the day. I bet you feel sad. I get it, man. Everybody feels sad. Sadness, depression, head on a pillow. You're just sitting there thinking, "Oh, my life isn't working out the way I want it to." I know the feeling. I know the feeling in theory. In theory I'm a very successful doctor, so I've never experienced sadness. Not even when all three of my wives mysteriously disappeared.

Anyways, I'm here to talk to you about what's going on with you. And I'll tell you what it is. You have chronic Lyme disease. That's right. You're sick as a dog with chronic Lyme disease. What's that you say? Lyme disease. That's what it is. That's the only disease it could be. Now that you know you're sick, congratulations by the way; I know it's been a scary time for you. Now that you know everything, it's time to learn how to fix it. And as a doctor who never worked in infectious diseases at all - I'm more of a family pediatrician, I feel confident that I can fix you.

Now, what you need my friend is to go to your doctors who are all sweet as hell and cool and ask them for antibiotics for months. Tons of them. Now, a few of your doctors who are part of a vast conspiracy to kill you will say things like, "No," or, "No," or, "Prolonged use of antibiotics may cause your death," which is a lie and wrong, and they don't know what they're talking about. Or even a few crazy ones will say, "Well, if you take some of the antibiotics eventually you'll get a virus that can survive against antibiotics. And that'll probably kill you, but it might also lead to a plague that would maybe kill a lot of the world's people." But it's bullshit. Sure, you might get a virus, but you'll live. You'll live, don't worry. You'll live.

And there are poor people. Who cares about that? You're a rich successful white lady. You subscribe to GOOP for God's sakes. Gwyneth Paltrow won an Oscar. That's just as important as a medical degree. Ugh, to think there are doctors out there that don't accept Oscars as appropriate diagnosis for medical things. Ugh, ugh. And to imply that I'm just doing this to keep myself in sweet ass Lambos, like five I've got out there. Dude, dude, it's insulting. Do you know how fast they go? Like really fast. I can't really drive them that fast because I live in Los Angeles and traffic's crazy. But you know it. When you see this sweet sexiness driving around. The ladies love it and my wife's getting up there. She's 29, is already 29. So in like a year she's just going to mysteriously disappear.

So it's okay. I've got my sweet fucking ass Lambo. It's fucking sweet as hell, man. How dare they imply that doctors are just in this for the money. Unlike me, who lives in a large mansion and has several Lambos, I'm in this to help you. That's why I cheer hard for politicians to make the drugs that I sell you legal. And here's the thing, you can trust us. Because believe us, believe me, doctors would never intentionally overprescribe you medicine to make money.

 That's ridiculous. Because like me and my fellow Lambo driving doctors, we're part of a club. We all sit in each other's Lambos and high five each other, and a few times we'll just get a dog from a pound, a vicious one, and not feed it for a long time. And then we'll just drive in the middle of the night, find a neighborhood and just let that dog free and see what happens. It's good fun. What I'm saying is trust me, a good doctor who graduated near the bottom of his class and has never worked in the corrupt and dangerous field of infectious disease research.

My Meeting With a Houston Biker Gang

  Real Americans Play Football not 7 of 7

Real Americans Play Football not 7 of 7

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