Some of the famous people that have come to the wedding today
There's the Duke of Wellington, who shook my hand repeatedly and said how excited he was for today, and he was so happy. And you know, he said, "Surely nothing could go wrong today." And I really trust him, he has a very big smile on his face and you know. And he's only three times ever crashed an airplane into a castle and many royals do it, you know, they do that a lot. A lot of royals have crashed planes into castles.
I don't know who gives them these planes but they seem to just keep getting them somewhere and well, there was a lot of investigations into it, but it seems that they honestly just go to airports and ask for the planes, and they're given them and they just fly into places. If you've never been to England, it's a very common problem of planes just crashing into random things at random times, and we're always like, "Oh, there goes a royal again. They just crashed into something." We're never sure how they live, but they always live, you know. It's a very peculiar situation.
Oh look, there's Hollywood royalty, there's Leonardo DiCaprio, Gerard Butler, Melissa Benoist. Let's interview them. Leo, Leo, oh, such an honor. How do you feel coming in today?
"I will tell you something. I don't know what, but I know for a fact that I have to get out of this place immediately. There are train snipers all around me, after the DiCaprio. If I turn up dead, know that I was murdered! They have abilities that you do not recognize."
That was Leonardo DiCaprio, who won an Oscar for being attacked by a bear, and has raved many times that he thinks bears are still after him. He's very method acting in that way, or possibly he's just gone crazy, or that might not be Leonardo DiCaprio, but an imposter of him. One of the three options.
Gerard Butler! It's really quite the shock that you were invited to this thing, you are barely B-list at best.
"Well, let me tell you something. I'm just happy to be here, you know? I've been seeing doppelgangers all around, and I got in partly because I'm good friends with Andrew Lloyd Webber. I did a lot of things, I did a lot of stuff for him, I ate a ghost in front of him. After that point, Andrew Lloyd Webber and I were fast friends. He very much appreciated my take on Phantom of the Opera. He feels it was a very good approach to the thing, so if you need me, I will be taking off my shirt and punching various amounts of steak to see if they're secretly alive and trying to eat the royals here."
Well, of course. Go ahead, Gerard. Always talking to you is a thing. And Miss Benoist, I'm really quite shocked that you were invited. Melissa Benoist, Melissa Benoist. Oh, she ignored me and is doing something else. She just walked by, it seems crazy that those two got invited. Not that they are bad, just that you know, they're not people that get invited to these things, but it seems like they kind of just snuck in. I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure they did. They were all wearing very fake mustaches. Let's look at the other celebrities. Oh! There's the Duke of Shirshire. Fun fact about the Duke of Shirshire. We're pretty sure that he's a bear.
He's a bear that ate the real Duke of Shirshire, and everybody felt it would've been rude to question him on this, so nobody has. Yep, there's Leonardo DiCaprio. He's seen the bear. He's certain that the bear is after him, and it appears that the bear in fact was after him, because the bear wishes to get a selfie with Leonardo DiCaprio. Now they're hugging, and Leo says, "All is forgiven," and that he was wrong. I'm very proud of him. He's done a good job. He's really matured as a person, and we have to accept that there aren't grand conspiracies after us. In fact, if you think about it, most of human misery and pain is often caused by people sincerely trying to do their best, and also by the baseline incompetence of the human race. It's important to learn this lesson early, and know that you are not important or special, and don't have any significance at all, and Prince Henry, who has done more in his life than you ever will by being born where he was. That's why his wedding is covered on national television and yours was not.
I think it would be better if we all just learned to live with this, and I think we would live in a healthier society. That's, I feel, an important lesson to learn.