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Hi America. How's it going?

Hi America. How's it going?

Who am I? Don't worry about it. I'm an older white man. With a beard and a reassuring voice. Right now, if you're reading this, i sincerely want you to picture farmlands and wheat and all that beautiful stuff you associate with America and I want to sit down and talk to you fine folks about what it means to be American.

A lot of people have ideas about what America should be that are strange and alien to you, but you're not interesting in confronting them and maybe come to a mutual understanding. Although, some would say that a fierce but friendly debate, attempting to find the perfect middle ground that'll make a lot of people happy, is the only way America works.

I want to say something. Now, picture me with overalls and sweat on my brow and I'm holding a pitchfork thing, like I know what I'm doing with it, because of course I do. I'm one of you. I have a folksy smile and a twinkle in my eye that says, "I've been around the block several times." America and I'm specifically referring to the rural states, not the coastal, elite cities, where the majority of Americans live, but where the real Americans live. The real Americans, who may be experiencing some tough times, like say an opiod addiction, that some in that non-American place that makes all the movies and TV shows that you watch would disagree with.

Push you towards a dangerous drug source, because they can make a lot of money off you, but that's not true, 'cause here's the thing, struggling hard working Americans. All of you will be rich, really, really soon. That's right. That's right in two, three, years tops, you'll be raking in the millions, baby. That's right. That thing you heard about, everybody in America can make it, if they just work hard enough, it's true. It's gonna happen to you soon. I can already feel it coming towards you. That windfall is coming right, straight down towards you, but it's not here yet.

You may be asking yourself why it isn't here precisely at this moment and let me tell you something, buddy. There's two reasons why, two horrific reasons. Number one is, America used to be wonderful and have all the jobs for you and mysteriously, other people have come into the country and they don't have the jobs for you and that's 100% a new phenomenon. That has nothing to do with extreme labor regulations being broken by Corporate-backed politicians. That's a lie. It's the other people responsible. They're the faults. You can't speak their language and they look sort of different from you. I think you know what to do with that.

The simple, tragic other reason... The other reason it's not happening sooner, even though, it definitely is gonna happen, don't worry. It's coming. It's simply because you're not being honest. You're not working hard enough and that's the true American way of doing it. Oh, some would only say lionizing the work is how the extreme... is how your overlords keep you in check, but making you feel like you failed them, somehow, but no. You have to work harder, because I believe in you. I believe in you. I have a very English Christian-sounding name and I vaguely look like a father figure you saw on television, one of the good ones, that told you exactly when to laugh. Keep on going my fellow Americans that don't work in the much more lucrative fields that require intellectual study, keep on going, reach for the stars and know, no matter what, you're loved.

My son has a tragic misunderstanding of the nature of Batman.

My son has a tragic misunderstanding of the nature of Batman.

It's very irritating that the Syrian refugee I know only wants to talk about the TBS show Final Space.

It's very irritating that the Syrian refugee I know only wants to talk about the TBS show Final Space.

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