We all ought to know presidents. At many times, they are there, and we're okay with them, but other times when we look at them and their policies and their speeches and what have you, a question simply becomes, "I know this person is in charge of the country, is one of the most important heads of state in the world, but were they sexy when they were younger?" Well, you'd be shocked to learn, yes, all of them were, in fact, that.
I decided in my simple Southern way, I look and sound remarkably a lot like Tennessee Williams, but I'm not Tennessee Williams, because Tennessee Williams is dead and I have never won a Pulitzer. I'm gonna assemble five pictures for you to peruse and enjoy, and there'll be some words to accompany them. That's how these articles usually go.
Number one, JFK.
An obvious choice, but look at him. Is it any less obvious? The man secreted charisma and sex appeal like a frog secretes delicious hallucinogenic mucus when it's scared. And you lick it because you want to see some things that aren't in God's creation, but you know are there. That's what JFK does, and boy, he looks good doin' it.
In a play I'm writing, an event takes place in the 60's. So I have been looking at a lot of pictures of him lately, and working on the play.
Number two, the person in the ET costume.
Now, we could talk a lot about the strange historical events that happened in the week of June 31st, in 1987 where for a week, a complex situation arrived from a mysterious man who wore only an ET costume to the President of the United States. But I feel that's been overdone generally in the world. I mean, of the seven movies made about it, over six of them have been at least nominated for an Oscar. And two of them, were nominated for Golden Globes, so you do the math on that. I mean, I know I still watch George A. Romero's hit, Oscar nominated film, The ET Connection.
But we're not into that, I just wanna talk about how the man, even though we never figured out what he looked like, or what he was doing, clearly had a sexy confidence to address congress and had the entire world in a full ET regalia. I wonder what his name was, or, if he was a man at all, and not some form of light or something. Or possibly, and this is the farther off thing, maybe she was a woman, who knows?
Number three, Gerald Ford.
People are always shocked, when I talk about Gerald Ford, but look at the man. You can tell he's a beautiful hunk of meat. Gerald Ford, is in fact the rarest breed, in fact is one of the first Presidents to ever do this, to be a President and a model. You can see it fully in them eyes, look at them deep and soulful, like a warrior prince or Prince the musician, one of the two. I once met Gerald Ford in a dream of mine and he wasn't that interested in talking to me, he was more interested in the giant space monster that we were both all looking at but he said a few nice words. I wouldn't describe it as a close relationship, but a relationship, none the less.
I have a pencil thin mustache and my accent is both very thickly southern, but I come clearly from money
Number four, Richard Nixon.
Look at this picture of Richard Nixon. Young Nixon, boy that was a sexy piece of work. He's the type of person you regret dating but you'd do it anyway, and you can hate yourself every second of it. His eyes were full of daggers, that could stab. His eyes were like spiders who had daggers for the feet, and they'd chase you and chase you and inexplicably they have your father's voice yelling at you. And you think this is a dream but horrifically, you find out that no, it ain't a dream.
It's some horrific genetic mutation experiment place and you're just a simple southern playwright with a pencil thin mustache and a lily white suit and you have no idea what you're doing in the secret underground experiment in Nevada of all places. And you are like "You've gotta let me out." And they go like "Listen, the giant spider with daggers for feet is surprisingly friendly. You've just gotta go up there and say hi." And I do and guess what? Them were right, he was surprisingly friendly. I still get Christmas cards from them every year, they're doing good now, moved to Utah, met a nice woman. The kids are ugly, but sweet.
Number five, Barack Obama.
I didn't feel I needed to go into this because we all know it to be true, but then I thought to myself, what respectable southern playwright would I be if I didn't include him? I wouldn't be, I would be an unresectable southern playwright, and there are none. All of them are the most respectable people on the earth. I gosh darn do love our yearly retreats to Big Ben. Big Ben, where we drink molasses and I get to talk to my friends from around the world. To think, and I would be orchestrated and I'd have to go, I'd probably have to move to the northwest, I'd have to move to the northeast playwright meetings. And those are boring as hell, nobody even has mint julep. They just drink julep, juleps. And I don't want to forget that, so here is a picture of him.