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My talk with  Nicholas Cage

My talk with Nicholas Cage

It was late at night and I was working on what I usually do late at night which is poetry of Gerard Butler. Gerard Butler does not share Gerard Butler's poetry because it is personal to Gerard Butler. It is beautiful and deep and riverous. It was in this late night that Gerard Butler received a very mysterious call on the Gerard Butler phone. The phone went, "Ring. I'm Gerard Butler's phone. Better pick up Gerard Butler's person. Ring." It goes on like that for a while. So, I picked it up, and on the other line was one of the most nefarious people I'd ever heard of. Oscar-winning actor Nicholas Cage.

"Hello Gerard," said Nicholas Cage.

"Hello, Oscar-winning actor Nicholas Cage," I said, I'm very respectful of the Oscars their like doctors and or the pope.

"Hello Gerard. I was wondering, do you want to come to my castle," he said.

Of course, this was a well known trap. I assume. Because of all the things I have had dreams about dreamt, "Nicholas Cage is one of the most terrifying criminal masterminds the world has ever seen," but he was clearly plotting something. So, I agreed to his demands to meet him at his castle. It was 75 days later because Gerard Butler does not fly in planes. He walks all the way to France like a true Gerard Butler. But I arrived at his home. It was filled with ... The castle was immaculate. It was protected by over seven moats. It was shaped not like a traditional castle, but more like the Fortress of Solitude from the franchise The Superman.

After I beat up several alligators, I was in. I knocked on the door. 30 minutes later, Oscar-winning actor Nicholas Cage opened it.

"Hello Gerard. It's good that you're here," he said.

"What do you want from me Nicholas Cage, you criminal mastermind," I said.

"I need to talk to you about that. I've been hearing a lot of dreams saying I'm a criminal mastermind of some sort," said Nicholas Cage.

"You are a criminal mastermind, Oscar-winning actor Nicholas Cage. You robbed the moon studio," I said. Referring, of course, to the famous robbery of the moon studio. Clearly, it was Nicholas Cage because they left the trademark calling card of a skull set on fire on the moon.

"No, I didn't do it. See, I've got a really that type of career, Gerard, but there was never a moon studio."

"But at the various after clubs they talked about the mythical moon studio. Where actors would film movies on the moon for people like Stanley Kubrick," I said.

"Yeah, Gerard. See, the thing about that is, that's just a myth. There's a lot of myths in the acting community. There's one where they say Humphrey Bogart would walk around in a giant robot of Humphrey Bogart. That's not true. The robot was medium-sized at best," said Nicholas Cage.

"You're breaking my heart Oscar-winning actor Nicholas Cage. I've built my whole life around attempting to get to the moon studio.."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Gerard. You want to ride my dinosaurs," Nicholas Cage said. As he whistled for his pet T-Rexes to come towards him, Lennon and Trotsky. They were beautiful in the sun. "Yes, Oscar-winning actor Nicholas Cage. I would enjoy that very much."

So, for the rest of the day Couple of weeks, me and Mr. Nicholas Cage rode T-Rexes around his calatial estate. I contemplated the fact that a lot of the things that me and the other actors pass around might not be fully true. Clearly the moon studio was a lie, but what of the others? It turns out Nicholas Cage is just a super fun dude. I can honestly say at this point we're pretty decent friends. Gerard Butler has to contemplate on these things. 

This one crazy trick to remain healthy.

This one crazy trick to remain healthy.

The internet is just poisoning us

The internet is just poisoning us