Gerad Butler on Phantom of the Opera
I remember the day I got the job just to star in the greatest musical ever made, Phantom of the Opera, the film version. Although this is not well known, Andrew Lloyd Weber actually deploys a series of lookalikes and hasn't been seen in public in over 30 years. And he invited me into his Andrew Lloyd Webber-shaped island because he wanted to discuss with me a great part that I, Gerard Buttler, could do. I, of course, was honored, especially after it was explained to me who Andrew Lloyd Webber was and what the concept of a musical is. And then after 30 or 40 times of asking my agent, whose name I have yet to learn, "Are they singing or something?" He goes, "Yeah." And then I go like "But why are they singing?" "Because it's a musical." "But couldn't they just talk about it?" "Then it wouldn't be a musical." To this day I still do not follow that man's logic, but Phantom of the Opera was in my future. And as I landed on the Andrew Lloyd Webber shaped island I was very excited.
Gerad Butler," Andrew Lloyd Webber said, "welcome. Welcome to Andrew Lloyd Webber, the great Ryeland." I of course in my Scottish brail said thank you. I was brought into a secret room. Dining room full of dining room accoutrements. Sexy accoutrements. And Andrew Lloyd Webber, that devilish bastard, leaned over me and said,
"Mr. Butler, Mr. Gerad Butler. I want you to play Edward, in the Phantom of the Opera. It will be the greatest part you have ever played, but to do it, you must truly become a ghost of a man." Gerard Buttler is serious about his acting, so Gerard Buttler agreed.
I should become a ghost of a man. I will immediately jump out of this window to kill myself thus becoming a ghost I thought.
"No, Gerad Butler," said Andrew Lloyd Webber, reading my mind.
"No need to do such things as that. I have prepared for you the most sumptuous meal a man could have, and it will also help you truly learn to act that of the Phantom. I have prepared for you a ghost to eat."
Now, Gerard Buttler was nervous about this, but I was assured that the ghost was of a man who wasn't good. In fact, he often kicked dogs and he was a chicken. It was a ghost of chicken. It was all white and sore looking and blobby.
"Eat it Gerad. Eat it and become an actor of great proportion and you will even make it to the moon studio. You must do this for me, Andrew Lloyd Webber." And I believe in true acting ability, so I ate it. I ate the thing and that is how I gave the greatest performance the world had ever seen.