My failed pitch for the Baywatch movie.
Big Hollywood movies go through hundreds of different tweaks and rewrites, and especially when you are adopting with well-known brand recognition, like Baywatch, no really known fan-base but a well-known brand. There are often hundreds of different pitches on how to do it, and of course, I was called into it. I'm not saying the traditional way. I mostly just threw a brick through a window of a big Hollywood executive and assumed that would probably be enough. Still, since they made the movie, it's become increasingly clear that they didn't take me up on my offer, but I'd like to share with you my ideas.
Okay, so it starts with: they are all in the lifeguard tower, and they are all dancing to the musical song "Rock Lobster" which goes like, "Na-na, rock lobster." Then, they get a call from headquarters, and they say that James Cameron is trapped in the Mariana Trench, and the big guy, who is like, the hero, because he is all good looking, is like, "Yeah. I can save James Cameron." So, they take a few minutes in a boat and go from Baywatch, which is in L.A., to the Mariana Trench and then the main guy, he just dives in to the Mariana Trench and starts swimming down to save James Cameron, but he hits his head, and he's like, "Oh no! I've hit my head. It hurts," and stuff, and he's like, "Ow. Oh the pain! Oh the horrible, terrible pain!"
And everybody's like, "Oh no! Man, that sucks," But then, he sees a dolphin, and the dolphin is, like, "You know what? I can save you, and Neptune would like to meet you." So King Neptune ... okay, and this is the part where the David Hasselhoff cameo comes becuse he as Neptune goes like, "Dude, you shouldn't worry about all that stuff, man, and also, you need to focus on some me time. Just relax and hang out and don't worry so much about the entire world. It'll get on fine without you."
But then, the main dude explains what the deal is and how he is trying to save James Cameron, and Neptune all like, "Oh, Dude. I love those Terminator movies, and you know which one's also really good? Titanic! I don't want James Cameron to die. Although, I do think you should hang out and relax for a while because, dude, you looks so stressed. You should save James Cameron first." So then the main guy swims down. Also, surrounding this entire thing there should be like sweet ass heavy metal music playing that goes like, "Duh-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na," and then when he finds James Cameron and he saves James Cameron and I think the running time should be eight to 15 hours long and then the credits should happen and the credit song is like, "Duh-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na." That would be the best movie ever for Baywatch. It would be better than every other movie ever made, including Citizen Kane and The Frighteners by Peter Jackson. That's for sure, man. That's, like, total for sure.
So, call me at 555-55 You know what, now that I think of it, probably the reason I didn't get the job is because I gave a fake number instead of a real number. Darn it. My love of being a joke slinger has once again damned me.