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how I escaped the dreaded Mister Musical

how I escaped the dreaded Mister Musical

I had awoken one night in a mysterious location. I wasn't sure how I got there. I must have been drugged, presumably. But I was clearly on some sort of large stage when the lights turned up! And the voice of that fiendish villain, Mister Musical, came through the loudspeakers.

"Hello! And welcome to your greatest heart's desire! The most fantastical, magical, musical, that will kill you!"

And then the lights turned on and suddenly there were dancers all around me. And they started to sing a song. "Welcome to your death!" And they all had umbrellas with knives on them. Large knives!

"So ironic, that your greatest wish to be in a musical, will now be your death!" Said Mister Musical.

"Uh, I don't like this sort of music," I said.

"What? No, no no no. No, clearly you're a huge fan of this kind of music. A lot of people are big fans of this type of music and clearly you are one of them!" He said.

"No, I like hip-hop. I like stuff like that." I said.

"Really?" Said Mister Musical, who then came out of the will call box.

"Really?" Although it took him a few tries to get up on the stage, he eventually did. "Really? Really? No I'm really sure you like musicals." He said.

"No, not really."

"Listen, listen. Most people are big fans of musicals. Like, it's pretty easy, you know. You love them, I know this. I've been observing you for a while and I don't want to toot my own horn, but I have certain magical powers and I created your idea fantasy scenario."

"But I don't like this," I said.

"Really? You like rap?"

"Yeah, yeah. Do you got like some Jay-Z stuff?" I said.

"No! I'm not aware of who that is." He said.

 "He's a rapper," I said.

"No, no, I got that part. I mean, you're talking about rap. Are you sure that you're not a fan of musicals?" He said.

"No, I'm pretty sure. I'm almost positive." I said.

"But my mental powers were very clear on this idea that you love them! I mean, this is your dream, right?"

"Now listen, I think you're the one who is a fan of them."

"Well, I mean yes, I am a relative fan of them. It's something I enjoy, I do listen to them frequently." He said.

"Listen, can we just admit that this whole thing was really about what you like?"

"I mean, fine. I mean, I guess. If you really want to get on that. I mean, yes, this was, okay fine! You beat it out of me. You happy now? I was a fan of them too, I'm a fan." He said.

"Okay," I said.

"Listen, listen. Here's what I'm thinking though. Why don't you like, I mean I spent a lot of time on this, so why don't you just participate in it? And I know you're not a huge fan, but maybe just open yourself up to liking them and we'll go from there." He said.

"I guess, but just admit that this was all about you, and not about me," I said.

"Okay fine. You've won. I admitted this was all about me. I didn't really do the research. I just want to make a musical kidnaping. Fine! You win, you win. You can just go."

"Really?" I said.

"Yes! I don't even want to do it anymore with you. This isn't fun! Just go  You know, or whatever you do. Bye." He said.

"Oh. Okay. You know I- Okay. Yeah. Yeah." I said.

"No, you were about to say something?" He said.

"No, no, it's, no. I mean, how much money are you making from these things?" I said

 "You know, I'll be honest with you. Not a lot. You know, kidnapping people and then putting on a full staged musical with just them, you know even with the kidnapings gets paid. It is not like much, you know. It doesn't really cover the costs. And plus, I never kill them. So a lot of people have just stopped paying me. And so, you know, I'm really just putting on a show for most people at this point. And I spend all my time designing the sets, writing the songs, casting. I mean, it is just a lot of stress. I mean, I gotta be honest with you, I don't think I can keep doing this much longer with the cost of this whole thing." Mister Musical said.

"But here's what I was thinking. Why don't you just put on actual shows?" I said.

"What? Like, NOT kidnapping somebody?" He said.

"I mean, it's clearly the thing you like doing the most, so why not just do that? I mean, I gotta admit, I'm not like a fan of musicals, as you know. But, I mean, this is impressive. You've got, what is that like a 20-foot gorilla over there?"

"It's 30 feet! And the arms move! It was gonna be part of a whole number called 'It's monkey business! Your life!' You know?" He said.

"So, yeah. Why don't you just do that?"

 "Hmm. I mean, I'll be honest with you, I've jotted down a few ideas. How about this? The musical based on the life of Hamilton? You know, Alexander Hamilton?" He said.

"Oh, well that was a thing already."

"Really?" Mister Musical said.

"Was it a hit?" Mister Musical said.

"Uh, yeah."

"Oh! Well, that's nice to know. I mean, it wasn't me who did it, but my idea has commercial value. I have so many thoughts about this. You're free to go. And thank you for helping me with this idea. I must contemplate on it."

And that is how I escaped the dreaded Mister Musical and was given a season pass to a variety of shows on Broadway.

My failed pitch for the Baywatch movie.

My failed pitch for the Baywatch movie.

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