This is how funny I am
Hello. How’s it going? These are jokes that I wrote that I think you’ll find very funny. You’ll laugh so hard and so thoroughly. I think the comedy is really good. I think that you’ll end up having to go to the hospital because you’ll have slapped your knees so much from the hilarity of the jokes that you’ll be in recovery for years, or you would have been if you didn’t have a heart attack, and left your significant other alone in the world ‘cause you’re a selfish bastard who had to go to a hilarious comedy show that could kill you and they’ll accuse you for the rest of your life that you left them alone in this cruel, harsh world and your children will grow up bitter and fat and write really beautiful poems because you had to see the funniest show ever.
Yah, I think you’ll really enjoy it because I’m really funny. I have a lot of really funny jokes. I have, like, jokes about my childhood because it’s really funny, because I don’t know if you were like this as a child but I didn’t act like an adult because I wasn’t one. Yah, that’ll be pretty funny when I get to it.
Then you'll die because my comedy is so funny that you’ll be resurrected because you’ll be dead but you’ll have to hear the end of the joke, so you’ll come back alive and then you’ll die again. I’ve seen it happen five times. One of the times, and I’m sorry for this, but with Pol Pot, it was back when he was just a nerd, and they made fun of him, and I said you’ll never amount to anything, and boy is my face red on that.
The next jokes in the hilarity of jokes that I’ve prepared are jokes about my ex-girlfriend, and they’re really funny because I tell really intimate stories. But I tell you the truth of it because it is funny that I win the break-up, and even though she’s a successful lawyer, I’m gonna tell a bunch of drunks my opinion of her, and it’s going to be really funny.
The next funny bit is a story about a vacation that I took, and it’s really funny because I refused to learn anything about their culture, and I only ate at Popeye’s. And I’m super smart and everybody else is super dumb.
The next joke will be a haunting exploration of how sad I am. It’s really funny because I’m very, very fat, but you’re not. I’m very, very sad, and this one is marked up so that the humor that the critics really like is because I talk about sad things, and also I agree with your political opinions.
The next one is I also agree with your political opinions, but I say it really, like, oh boy, can you believe that? And it makes you feel good, because I validated what you think, and you go home, and the next one, and then I go home, and then I get off the stage, and using my very funny feet I go home. And then I wait a few more days and then I go back on and I perform the same routine, but it starts with me being very funny.