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Jon P. Jonathan: a Man for His Time

In the ugliest town in America, in the ugliest neighborhood in the ugliest town in America, and in the ugliest house in the ugliest neighborhood in the ugliest town in America, sat a man - Jon P. Jonathan. Now, Jon P. Jonathan was a particularly noticeable citizen of the ugliest town in America, as he had a reputation throughout the entire state of being the most apathetic man in the world. And now this proved to create several issues. For one, Jonathan P. Jonathan happened to be one of the richest men in the town, with a beautiful daughter. But did Jonathan P. Jonathan care about it? No. He simply sat in his home on his ugly couch looking at and watching the Beige Channel, which was a channel that just showed various shades of beige.

He didn’t even really care about that. Yes, he was rich largely because his apathy stretched to any sort of morals or values concerning the business, and that was really a plus some days. But he didn’t care. And most people thought, and somewhat correctly thought, that if they could only get Jonathan P. Jonathan to care about something, anything, they may be able to make their town, which was ugly beyond all belief, not only in appearance, but in soul intent and treatment of the poor, into a fairer town – a town that America could finally be proud of, instead of people just driving by it and throwing eggs at it.

So they came from far and wide to try to convince Jonathan P. Jonathan that the town was worth it. They tried to explain the innate goodness that all people shared, and Jonathan P. Jonathan just said, “Rrrr. I don’t really care what people are there. Rrrr. What does that matter even?  Can you prove to me definitively that you actually exist?”  

So the mayor of the town went to the ugly house and said to Jonathan P. Jonathan, “Jonathan P. Jonathan, a friend and ally of the common working man. I was wondering if you would be interested in …”

Jonathan P. Jonathan looked past the notable mayor and said, “No.”

“Listen, as a man of wealth and prosperity, don’t you feel that it’s your Christian duty to help the less fortunate?”

Jonathan looked at him and said, “I watch less fortunate.”

“Why, the poor people…”

 Jonathan P. Jonathan, who dimly looked around, saw a man with two kids right on his front porch die of being poor and sad, and the man’s dog laying on them, and he said, “I don’t care about them.”

“But you must care about them,” said the mayor

“I care for nothing”

They left, and Jonathan P. Jonathan died alone, unloved and happy.

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