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A Brief History of the World Wars

World War III was generally believed to be caused by a dramatic shift in the economy and culture that left numerous surplus workers without jobs and facing a new cultural landscape, culminating in the election of a strong-armed politician with no experience who alienated the international community and increased the violence throughout the world.

World War IV was mainly caused by economic scarcity. Water became a rare substance to possess. Starting in America and Canada as a civil war, where the richest one percent all moved to around the Great Lakes and tried to create their own country, and violently rocketing to the rest of the world.

World War V’s main causes were the Euro Vision Song Contest. NeoSpain won it for a disco funk infusion, but the award clearly should have gone to the irradiated Commonwealth of England for their beautiful contribution to the screaming genre – a five minute long scream. So the English pretty well went bananas.

World War VI had some bullshit.

old timey map

World War VII. As the earth fissured and cracked, there was a guiding. Of the 36 people that were still alive, Og was really a jerk. But unfortunately Og was just so cool that he got ten people together and just started pushing people, and then Rex was like, “Dude, you can’t do that”, and Og was like, “Dude, I’m gonna.” That killed off most of the human race.

World War VIII. So all the human race is dead except for Jeff. Sometimes the war is with yourself because Jeff had clinical depression.

World War IX. Okay. So, what do you think? Do you think that humans aren’t around anymore? Did I mention that Jeff was also a genius who cloned himself? We have many Jeff’s now – multiple Jeff’s running through the earth, gallivanting and traipsing. But a group of Jeff’s from Australia were like, you know, “Oi. This sucks. I think we should just gallop.” And a group of Jeff’s from what used to be called America were like, “We don’t think we should just gallop.” Yah, so lot of people died in that one.

World War X. Okay, this is the cool big one. It’s been about 200 years since World War IX. It turns out that Archduke Ferdinand didn’t even get shot back in 1914.. It turns out he was a time traveler, and he brings the entire nation of Austria-Hungary forward a million years into the future, and then he got shot again. Oops. A lot of kids got shot in that one.

World War X1. People were getting sick of all these world wars, so they decided to bring back a real fun character. They brought mark twain! back – as a robot slash bear slash platypus. Unfortunately he didn’t do much, and they all got into infighting.

Now. This is it. This is the big one. World War X11, or should I call it World War X11, Part One, because the issue here really transcribes to another issue. So, do you ever go about your day, and you’re walking around, and you see some people laughing, and the massive egotist in you says, “Oh, they’re talking about me.” Guess what? They are, and one day a wizard casts a spell to reveal that everyone was making fun of everyone else, and needless to say, this hurt a bunch of feelings, and a lot of dogs died.

So, World War X11, Part ‘Dos’. The dogs take their revenge, and a lot of people died in that one.

So, World War X111. Dogs are pretty much in charge at this point. There are still some humans, but it is mostly dogs, and the dogs are certain that they are not going to fall into the human trap. And then a giant scream came up from the Human Resistance Group, and they said, “Who wants a treat?” So many babies died in that one.

Now, World War X1V. Humans and dogs have laid together. There is intermarriage now.  There are dog-humans, or hudogs. They go like, “You know, we’ve got a pretty peaceful society. I don’t think anything could screw this up.”  And a cat overheard that, and the cat was so angry that he immediately evolved into an intelligent life form, and then showed all the other cats how to do it. Then they just started to claw people, and then they somehow got nuclear bombed, so that pretty much reduced everybody back to how they were before.

So World War XV.   You know this one is good because Oscar-winning movies were made about it. That’s right. The Oscars were still in business. So, there are more than twenty trillion people on earth at this point. Human beings really recovered fast from the last war. They were used to being obliterated now, and there was like a disease now, man, which caused everyone to secretly believe that they were the heroes in their own stories, instead of the obvious hero in the story, Captain LieutenantDashmond Hampton. A bunch of pepole were killed in that one with most tragic being beautiful Becky sanders of Ohio U should would have been an ok nurse.

So World War XV1. Everybody was being a jerk. They shot them. They shot all the jerks. Humanity over.


Spooky. Do you feel that chill on your spine?

Spooky. Do you feel that chill on your spine?

Boy, them Marvel movies.

Boy, them Marvel movies.